Time on my hands
October 5, 2018
One thing moving to a new state with no job, few friends or family provides is time. I have tons of time. To think, to organize, to read, to worry, to second guess, to read, to miss people back home, to read, to watch Supernatural.
So much time on my hands and what do I feel I am doing with it most, besides reading 🙂 – avoiding job hunting.
Fear can be crippling and transition is hard and kicking up feelings of inadequacy. I’ve felt lucky most of my life. I felt a lot of the opportunities I have had have been by being in the right place at the right time as opposed to a series of deliberate choices on my part. Maybe that’s not true but it seems to be and resultantly it creates a sense imposter syndrome.
Don’t get me wrong. I work hard at keeping what’s been given to me and making myself indispensable but it feels like the genesis point is external. My first job was a recommendation from a friend. “Come to Saint Mary’s, you get paid to play with kids and they really respect what the kids do”. So I went, I worked that job for the last 15 years.
My second job, my cousin came to visit and we went bowling and I mentioned I didn’t have enough money and she said you should see if this place is hiring. I worked there until the bowling alley closed nearly a handful of years later. I also met Mr. Money Squirrel there but that’s a post for another time 💘
Plan the escape
I had many months to plan for our move and maybe more important our landing. I decided I was going to take a break on this side of the pond. Put down all the responsibility I had taken on over the last few years and just breathe for a bit. I was at a point in my life where there was so much going on and though I had an amazing support network around me I choose to be like Elsa and LET IT GO.
I let go of it all not because I was afraid or things were not going well. I needed- I need to see if I could take all that I had earned and learned, land somewhere and pick up the pieces just like that? Can I make a successful life anywhere? Can I do it without a huge support network. Do I have what it takes to stand on my own two feet?
Where do I go from here?
The question that has been on my mind since we landed in Ann Arbor is, What am I doing?????????
The move felt/feels/is/was impulsive. My leap of faith. Five and a half weeks is not the longest I’ve ever been un/underemployed as an adult with debt and bills to cover. It’s not even scarier than last time. Once I stopped working with no safety net other than Mr. Money Squirrel’s income and very little savings. Another time I took a lower paying internship out of state to build my skill set and see if I wanted a career in Washington D.C (an opportunity laid at my feet by one of my in laws).
I’m not a stranger to having less money than I would like to have. Like lots of folks I have felt pressure to keep a roof over my head, feed myself well, go out with friends and not feel guilty about spending money, especially when there isn’t any (or enough) coming in. What I have learned is that having money doesn’t change my desire for a better life, or a different life. Money is not a motivator for me.
I’m not saying I don’t like having money or want more of it. I have human desires and I act on them from time to time. I’m working at not having my life dictated by money. Not having to choose jobs based on a need for income but a desire to do the work. This move is an opportunity to pursue that but along with that comes some basic feelings about how to achieve this.
There is a major part of me afraid that I’ll have to work other people’s schedules and timelines forever. Part of me is afraid I won’t figure out how to use my time before our savings runs out. I might be a choice based around having our needs met rather than finding a way of life that pleases and nourishes me. Because vast parts of our culture in America are dictated by money and access to it what I can achieve feels limiting and sometimes hopelessly out of reach.
The Little Princess in me wants Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet and never have to worry my pretty little head about such trivial things as budgeting, debt to income ratio and compound interest. The Vampire Slayer in me dares anyone to try and take command of my life and suffer the consequences. My future will be determined by my actions as much as my inaction.
The time I use now isn’t wasted but could be put to more profitable use. I haven’t figured out where to go next but today I’ll settle for identifying a few things I know I want to conquer in this lifetime.
- Become a mother
- Build a business
- Become wealthy
- Travel the world
- Write a book
Tomorrow I’ll figure out how to make my goals a reality. #nofatebutwhatwemake
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